The subject
It’s been awhile since I’ve shared some of my thoughts on things through this blog. But, to be fair, not much has happened that is worth discussing, or things I find I can share with the internet. This is probably a good thing, right? Makes me feel like I’m doing alright in general.
But I felt like I want to share my thoughts on this particular topic:
So, what happened?
A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a short video of someone else filming me while I was walking around Saint-Petersburg in kigu. I want host the video here or leave a link to it, but here are some screenshots from it.
The video itself had a lightly positive vibe, like: “Look at this weird anime cutie. Strange but why not?”. But the preview for this video set a whole other line of discussion. The question it asked was: “A guy? Who’s under the mask?”. And the comments section was predominantly filled with the similar questions? “Is it a guy? Or a girl?” Speculations arose. “Her legs are too thin, her waist it too wide, her walk is too unnatural.” With author replying to every single one of them, sharing his interest for my real gender with commenters.
This makes me real sad actually. Like, I understand why this question is being asked. I’ve watched TV-show “The masked singer”. I know that only about 20% of talk there is about the performance, the costumes, the show. And all other 80% are speculation about who is the performer under the mask. Still, I can’t help to be sad about it. I fell like with everything in the modern world having an underlying motive, a dark secret, a goal of gaining an advantage on you, people began to constantly be on guard and forgot how to relax and take things on face value.
My take
For me kigurumi never was about trying to deceive people. Yes, I wear mask, pads, hide my identity and all that. Yes, there is a real person behind all that, and the real me has little common with the character they play. Does this make me any less genuine? No! I’m strangely egoistic in this regard: I do kigurumi because I like it. Not to be liked by someone. Not to get fame, attention, money or anything else from the others. Just for myself and my own entertainment. And I really wish others would just accept me the way I am. Wanna film me walking? Sure! Laugh at me and discuss my looks? Go ahead! Approach and try to communicate? Probably won’t work, but it’s alright! I walk on public streets and understand that I draw attention. Just don’t pry on what has deliberately being kept private. Whatever the reason I have to keep my identity private is none of anyone’s business. And questions about my real gender or persona will always make me angry and sad.
What next?
Nothing will probably change though. Such discussions are destined to pop up, and I’m not the one to argue with people on the internet. I won’t even reply to that video’s comments or write to the author. And I’ll continue to walk the streets in kigu like I do now. As I’ve said, I enjoy doing it for myself, and no amount of behind the back discussions is going to make me quit.
Still, a girl can dream, and I dream of the world where talk more about the art, and not the artists. Sure, there are exceptions, but it’s life, yeah? No one is perfect, even a doll like me.
Peace, Ella.